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Showing posts from June, 2022

My body is fragile

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Over the past month I have started to notice how fragile my paralyzed body has become. These realizations began after a visit to my old elementary school. I had my heart set on climbing the spider web in my new paralyzed body. After climbing the web the swings seemed like a logical next step. Both experiences were thrilling at the time but after I couldn’t help but notice how banged up my body felt. My butt was sore, I had cut my knee open and jammed my foot on the swings. Apart from all the things I knew had happened I was worried I might have sustained injuries I couldn’t feel.   A week after the elementary school incident I had an opportunity to go on a friends trampoline. After transferring in pretty handily I was careful not to scrape my knees on the mesh and get rug burn. I layed in the middle of the trampoline and grabbed my legs tucking into a ball. My friends bounced me and after a couple of bounces I was an out of control ball of clattering bones. It was fun but scary. Not so

A normal Day

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  I have really started to appreciate when things feel “normal”. After any traumatic loss, there is always a longing for what once was. In my case, the longing for normalness isn’t a longing to walk, but rather for independence. I have finally reached a point where I feel completely independent. I can compulsively clean, make art, or exercise whenever I want. I can make plans with whomever I want wherever I want and be confident in my ability to make them happen.   There is a Buddhist concept that whatever moment we are in, it can always get “better” or “worse” in a matter of seconds. if we focus on the idea that it could be better it will only feel worse. If we focus on the idea that it could be worse it can allow us to appreciate each moment even more. The ideal would be to always understand that any situation could be better or worse and make the most of it for what it is.  When people get to the end of their life. They don’t long for something they’ve never done. They long for

Mantra's that kinda have to do with Friends

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  Recently at a grad party, I asked a friend what his advice for me was in college. He thought for a solid minute before responding don’t underestimate the value of friends. I was pleasantly surprised. At that moment it hit me how much I truly did value my close friends. They played a vital role in my life, and how it felt to have a family outside my parents and sisters.   There is this black and white concept I’ve been battling in my head recently. The question is “can behavior be justified by circumstance?” my own truth on this topic is that for people who are closer to me or my friends I can come to a compromise. They always say relationships are a compromise and friendships are no different.  Since my hyper-productive phase, I have questioned the importance of spending time with friends and more specifically the things I do with my friends. I have found that this is mostly ok when I’m not with friends, but if I am with them and thinking about how productive it is that is a comp

The end of high school

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My last day of school was Friday the 3rd. We got to visit our old elementary schools for one last hurrah. My counselor had arranged for our entire class of 30 to go with me on an accessible bus. This was so relieving because it allowed me to feel like a normal kid. When we arrived at the school we went for a walk around the halls and examined just how small everything was. The kids cheered us on as we went by.  Before leaving we went to the playground where I was determined to climb the spider web and go on the swings. I did, but my body felt so fragile doing both of these tasks, my legs felt sore and I acquired a nice bloody cut on my knee. I still don’t know why I felt The need to do these things when my classmates didn’t. I guess I just wanted to be my young adventurous self just for a little bit.  When we got back to East we had a senior picnic, followed by the “dog run” an event where all of the seniors run around our own school one last time. When we were getting directions on wh

Slowly getting back to the grind

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If you’ve read all of my blogs thus far you have witnessed my extreme approach to being productive and successful. I am proud to announce that I will be getting back to that very shortly. I’d like to say that leg pain is what’s been holding me back from this, but really it’s just been being lazy. With school coming to an end, I keep saying to myself oh there’s just a lot going on, but that’s barely true. I am holding myself back.  Yes, it’s true that I have been having leg pain and that it gets worse from overuse, but it also gets better from proper exercise and being active. One week when the pain got so bad I just laid in bed only to find out that it was making the pain worse. I quickly got back to a scheduled routine and stopped complaining. This pain management video informed me that there was only so much we could do to manage it  https://youtu.be/QG4SKNZOJzE     The best we can do is get back to life and try not to let it affect us. The same is true for my injury, I have to manag