Using Pessimism to create Optimism

the picture is unrelated to THC incident 

About three weeks ago I used THC for the first time in almost 2 years. This particular evening I was feeling more down on myself than usual. I have been struggling with motivation for some time now, which hasn’t helped my confidence or my mental health. I have not been very present either. 


I took the edible not expecting much. When I first started to feel the effects I wasn’t too phased I carried on with my tasks as I would any other night. Paranoid thoughts started to creep in and after a while, I said to myself. “Stop thinking these pessimistic things” then I came to a realization that most of these thoughts had some real value if I decided to use them constructively. 


The pessimistic monologue mostly consisted of hating my life, which gave me a perspective on some of my less optimistic friends and the things they might be going through and thinking. It also showed me the comparison to a normal person and how much living with paralysis really does suck. That being said there is no point in focusing on that or wasting time thinking about it. I can’t change this fact so why get down on myself about it. 


The most important thing these pessimistic thoughts brought me was, one the realization that I have been having these thoughts all the time and I need to be more positive and two these thoughts showed me places I could improve my life. I made a list of the ways I could find more happiness and freedom in my life. A few things on that list included getting involved with adaptive sports and recreation, prioritizing taking care of my body, and practicing being present through meditation and reading. 


The downside to all of this is that for two or three days after this experience I was pretty sad about my physical state and it took me almost 20 days after that to return to a more optimistic outlook on life in general. Only last night did I truly take a step back and analyze all of the negative thoughts I’ve been having that are holding me back. I felt this morning, completely satisfied. Something I haven’t felt in a long time. 

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