Paralysis limbo, grief

When I was first injured I was told “You might never walk again”. What does that even mean? I would soon come to find out It meant I would need to use a wheelchair for the time being while I learned how to walk with paralyzed legs.

The immediate losses like not being able to play soccer or run track for the rest of high school felt ok to grieve, but when it came to walking I felt conflicted. Is grieving my inability to walk giving up on walking again? How do you process a loss that isn’t complete? 

I had to come up with a solution. I asked myself, “could I walk now?” No. “Will I be able to walk in the future?” Yes. I landed on “I can’t walk yet”. Coming to terms with the present while staying optimistic about the future is the only way to go. 

There are still times when it is hard to decipher a negative voice from a feeling of grief. I have come to realize if it is a feeling of sadness at it is grief. If it is a voice in my head telling me something about the future it is not grief. 

When I feel grief I move through it. When I hear a negative voice I fight it. I mark it as false. Then I replace it with the truth, I will walk again. I will do all the things I grieve now, in the future.